I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat and more.....

I have never had a more challenging job than this. Being a full time housewife and mom is hard. I am physically, mentally, horizontally and vertically challenged. I take my hat off to all mom who has been doing this all their lives. This includes my mother who has seven children. No wonder she was weird when I was young. Now I understand.

I have only two children but some days I feel like I have a battalion. How do you get them to listen to you without repeating the same sentence 10 times in a span of 5 minutes? Yes, it is only a simple instructions like "let's go", "switch it off", "shoes on please". Give me $100m project anytime, I will make sure that its profitable. I will make it work. Kids, how do I deal with them? And why am I still complaining that I need "challenge"? For god sake, I have ample. All I need to do is to LIVE it and EAT it.

BUT there is nothing more satisfying than seeing them on the bike, pedalling on 2 wheels, soaking wet in the tropical rain, laughing. There is nothing more satisfying than when they say "Thank you mummy, I really had a great day today".

Love is such a simple word but even the most eloquent writer is not able to describe it.

Soul Mates

When one mentioned "soul mate", many associates it with a lover/partner/husband/wife. That's what I thought too. I have changed my perspective sometime ago.

I have defined soul mate (s) as someone:-

• who love each other unconditionally
• when one is being erratic/emotional/mad/silly/stupid, the other will only listen and won't argue at the time. He/she will come to you when you are calm and give you a hug and a kiss and say that its alright to "feel"
• listens to each others' worries even how small they may seem
• always there for each other in happiness and in sorrows
• is never judgemental of each other and accepts one another for what you are
• laugh and cry together and at each other
• point out to each other weaknesses without feeling intimidated
• talk about anything under the sun and each can have a different point of view without enforcing the other to accept his
• complement each others' inadequacy
• when in solace, their faces fill up your eyes, their hearts warm up yours

I am honoured to have not met one but many soul mates and consists of both sexes. They are my pillars of strength. My lifeline. The people I would like to have at my dinner table every night. If only we could all live in one house and sleep together in one bed. If only they are each others soul mates, then maybe that could happen?

Excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert - "Eat Pray Love" about Soul Mate

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave AND thank God for it".

I agree with some of her words but not all. I believe you can live with your soul mate forever and your soul mate will never leave you.

Restless Heart

A childish rebellion

Surely, but slowly in a shallow form

Seeking an expression

And direction, like a rushing stream

The bubbling restless force

At times formed by circumstances

A stream by its banks

Refusing to be contained by them

The spirit of a wild horse

Not knowing its boundaries or distances

Never to be held by any hand

Unwilling to stop at any realm

Restless forms ducking under obstacles

Splashing and passing over them

Testing life very oracles

Moving and changing forms

To some a sense of rhythm

An imagination of the restless

Burn the candle at both ends

Whilst it burns, you want it to last, no less

Keep still oh fluttering heart

Surely after a storm there is a lull

For the calmness is in your heart

It is never, never too hard

Regu gave me this poem in January 1997. I lost his business card and can't remember his long family name. He is someone I met during a International Fast Ferry exhibition more than 10 years ago. He gave me many words of wisdom when he sensed that I was somewhat "lost". He guided me without him knowing. I know he lives in Penang with his family. Our last contact was in Perth in 1998 and he was not well. I wish I could see him again.

Painting by Elizabeth Clausen

Inconsolable Grief

Grieving for the faces I cannot remember, the smiles that I cannot see, the hands I cannot hold, the laughter I cannot hear. Time to let go and move on but why is it so difficult?

Grieving for my firstborn who insisted that she doesn't need me to send her to school. Her first time to school by herself. She went on her scooter. I was behind her all the time trying to keep up but she was too fast and she didn't even look back. Where does the time go?

Grieving for my youngest who is down with mononucleosis. Rashes all over his body and is feeling itchy, sore throat and lethargic. He has not been sick since as long as I can remember. Maybe its the way his body is telling me that he is affected by this move. If only I could transfer the pain to me.

Grieving for the sadness that I am feeling but can't make myself to cry.

Painting by Ivan Kramskoi - a Russian painter

We are moving into a new home

Our belongings have been delivered to our house in Singapore today and we will be moving in tomorrow.

The kids are happy to have their toys, books and bed back. I am happy just to have my bed back. Having familiar things around make it feel like home.

Albeit being small which we need to adjust to, the house has a homely feeling about it and I love it at first sight.

The kids will be in separate bedrooms for the first time and I wonder how this arrangement will work. Let's see.

Every house has a story and I am excited to experience what this house will bring us.

Restless

I am looking for an answer as to why I am so restless.

I was restless when I was in Perth. I was eager to move to new land and experience new adventures. Now I am in the new land, I am eager to feel settled. For what? Back to routine. Now I understand why people I love said I am difficult.

Someone I love said that I have no sense of time. The same person has also said that I have ADHD. I am trying to connect these two together to understand myself. Am I trying to do too many things in such a short time or am I trying to not to think about time so I could achieved what I wanted irrespective of how long it took.

Someone has given me a poem 15 years ago titled "Restless Heart". Its somewhere in the Indian Ocean now. Once I found it in the next two weeks, I will post it in this blog. I thank that friend for being there for me at the time. I wish I could meet him again and have another deep and meaningful conversation to help me get my compass right again.

A Piece of Mind about Malaysian Politics

Being in Singapore allows me to have a closer look at Malaysian politics. I have always been interested in politic as I grew up among politicians. I remember that my house was once:

(a) a place for members to register their names to join the party

(b) a meeting place for the party and discuss strategies to win the

next local election

(c) storeroom for the flags, posters, bags, umbrellas with logo

I was once a strong supporter of this political party and still am a supporter to this day but that faith and trust is fading quicker than Singapore's MRT.

I have lived overseas for over 10 years now and that's when I started comparing the politics of the countries I have lived in with Malaysia's - my country. Then I worked with a Malaysian company with a a subsidiary overseas. A company that has been awarded with multi billion ringgit of a major government contract. (it turned sour, of course and government had to inject a few millions to save it). That was when I experienced first hand how government contract was actually awarded. I was reminded by the CEOs that "technical-know-who" is more important than "technical-know-how". It was embarrassing to face my foreign colleagues and having to explain that's how they do business in Malaysia. I thought that was maybe a one-off case. As time passed by and I grew older, I saw more cases like that happening in Malaysia and some of them are my friends who took advantage of the system.

When all government in civilised countries are discussing about what they need to do to face the global economic recession, how to protect employment, what they need to do to the local banking industry - I was amazed at what the big hype in Malaysia? The distribution of naked photo of a politician. Is this necessary, what is our priority?.

It seems that only the highly educated knows what is going on with the Malaysian economy, government policies etc. The public only gets stories that they would like to hear. A senior minister commented on TV that Malaysia will only be "slightly" affected by the global recession. Is that the truth? The government will spent about $8b, but does public/taxpayers know what will they be spending on? Isn't the public ready to hear the truth?

Australian government made this publicly available and public will know how these plans will affect them. They are heavily criticised for bad spending too. Singaporean government is much faster than Australia (being PAP the only power party) has announced their plan, has launched several programmes for the public particularly retraining schemes to ensure that public gets ready when it hits them bad. Malaysians will loose out - but only the public at large, not the politicians. They know what they are protecting.

The current chaos is probably needed to shake off all of the useless people that has been governing the country for a long time. Maybe we need to make a sacrifice now for the future generations.

Learn, learn, learn from everyone around you.

Adjustments

We have found a house in Bukit Timah. The challenge is now to make that house a home. We will move in next week when our furniture arrives here. House is walking distance to both Sophia's and Johan's schools which is good. They will start school next week. Sophia is excited but Johan is the complete opposite. That would be my challenge. Kids teach you patience. I am adjusting to being at home. I was an absentee mother for the last two years. I am trying my very best to make up for the lost time. Tell you what - children are very forgiving.

I feel liberated not having to think (responsible/obligated) of work but at the same time I feel like I am loosing myself. I feel like I am loosing my identity as "Zana". This will be worse when the kids start school as I will be known as Sophia's mum and Johan's mum.

Nearly eight years now and I am still adjusting to motherhood.

New phase, new place

New chapter but memories remain. How could I forget the beautiful faces, places and most treasured friendships. Goodbye Perth and welcome Singapore.