When everything is nothing and nothing is everything

Doco Club launched in Fremantle in Feb. I am staying here unless its Rio. Follow this link to see SALT http://www.saltdoco.com/index.htm

2010

Here comes 2010. It is also the year of a Tiger in Chinese Zodiac, a year of courage. I like the number. It looks so symmetrical, in balance and peaceful. Whatever it will be, just bring it on.

On the road again

I have not written for a while. I have been on the road. Not only literally but also in all aspects of my life - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am trying to put everything into perspective. I have yet to allocate a quiet time for reflections, to digest and rationalise it all. I have a date with a wise, beautiful, funny and witty middle-aged woman called "Me" on Thursday night. Despite the changes, I am utterly and totally calm and positive. In fact, I am feeling on top of the world.

I have always been intriqued with life's mystery. I have always been amazed with what life managed to throw at me. Sometimes, I want time to run faster than the speed of light. I am impatient. I want to know what is there for me around the corner. I have to remind myself to smell the roses. This is exactly what I intend to do for the next few months.

Painting - "Poet on a Mountain" by Chen Zhou [Shen Chou] 1427-1509 Ming Dynasty - a handscroll.

Under the Parasol

I had a long afternoon of reflections with girlfriends last Sunday. We started under the parasol at 1 Twentysix at 11am and ended under the parasol of 09-03 Signature Park at 10pm when we said our goodbye. My girlfriends have helped me in finding my balance, keeping my feet on the ground, keeping my sanity and reminding me of who I am and where I came from. The session reminded me of this part of the book I am currently reading.

There is a truth that is deeper than experience. It's beyond what we see, or even what we feel. It's an order of truth that separates the profound from the merely clever, and the reality from the perception. We're helpless, usually in the face of it. The cost of knowing it, like the cost of knowing love, is sometimes greater than any heart would willing to pay. It doesn't always help us to love the world, but it does prevent us from hating the world. The only way to know that truth is to share it, from heart to heart.

-Shantaram-

Always looking forward to many more sessions like this, anywhere, anytime.

Painting by Joaquin Sorolla y Bastida - under the Parasol Zarauz 1910

The Age of Innocence

She was the Barbie in pink princess outfit. Tiara on her head and glittering pink stiletto. I was worried she would start wearing make up at Grade 2. Now, she refused to wear a skirt, anything pink or purple, anything with glitters or ribbons or flowers. Anything that associates her with being girlish.

This morning, she lost her headband. The only one she likes after 2 hours of shopping. It was blue and no ribbons, no glitters, just plain blue. I decided to tie her hair with the simplest purple hairband I could find, one step better than the rubber elastic you found from fish market. As I was walking her to school, I saw the hairband was no longer on her hair. She said it fell. Yeah right! Well, at least she likes to wear undies to school now. I just have to focus on the positives.

The photo was taken 6 years ago when she insisted on wearing a fairy outfit to a mall. The boy was her 1st boyfriend, an Iranian-Pakistani descent. She collects boys now like she collected Barbie outfits 6 years ago. This semester, her collection is blonde long-haired boy named Griffin. She likes him because he has long hair and his name reminds her of a griffin in her fantasy book.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Irrespective of how many times I have sent my two kids to school, I still feel melancholic on my way back to a quiet home. I should feel relieved but not. It is funny and sad at the same time. It is funny because I longed for a quiet time to myself but I don’t really enjoy it when I have it. It is sad because I am worried that I have set my life to be dependent on my children. A new friend I met yesterday told me that we should feel grateful of the noise the children make at home. It shows that they are healthy, living their childhood and are using their brain creatively to annoy each other. I love positive energy with a dash of wisdom.

Any schoolboy can do experiments in the physic laboratory to test various scientific hypotheses. But man, because he has only one life to live, cannot conduct experiments to test whether to follow his passion or not.

“The Unbearable Lightness of Being”

Milan Kundera

Love is....

This is our wedding vows. The phrases meant much deeper than they were 10 years ago. I sworn that this is the best relationship advice I have ever received from anyone.

Kahlil Gibran on "Marriage" and his painting "Love".

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow

I’m being taken over by The Fear

My kids are driving me crazy. I can stand the high decibels they make when they are happy but I just can't stand it when they fight. I don't remember fighting with my siblings when I was small. Even now when we have our own children, we still don't fight. No confrontation. We would go back and cry and forgive and forget and things will get back to normal. When we were young, my parents would not take side. I didn't like it. Now, I understood and I like what they did and I am doing just that to my children.

So when they are fighting, I am listening to Lily Allen on my Ipod to drown out the noise. My children can't listen to her songs yet, just too explicit. They can continue to like U2.

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don’t care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and i want loads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

And i’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
Cuz everyone knows that’s how you get famous
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

Life’s about film stars and less about mothers
It’s all about fast cars concussing each other
But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that’s what makes my life so xxxxing fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah we're on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I’m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I’m gettin thinner

I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight

She's a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
There's a part of me in the chaos that's quiet
And there's a part of you that wants me to riot

Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet tooth needs just a little hit
Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot
How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?

A change of heart comes slow

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me, or are you doubting
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Pity the nation that won't listen to your boys and girls
Cos the sweetest melody is the one we haven't heard
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?
The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear
Oh, but a change of heart comes slow

Beautiful

Beautiful is the exact word that can describe the holiday I had in Australia and Malaysia. What can be more beautiful than spending good, quality time with your family and good old friends.

Now I am back to reality. Do I have a choice to make reality a fiction?

Now I understand when my father-in-law said that he is busy this year doing his tax returns. I have now joined the retirees underworld. I need to get out before I find it to be enjoyable.

I am still in my prime, prime, prime!!!!

Gegenschein

What is a Gegenschein?

What good is knowledge

When it only makes your ignorance more precise

Isn't knowldedge is knowing what you know?

Wisdom, my friend, is knowing what you don't know

That is the true value of wisdom

Wisdom can be scary sometimes

It wakes you up from slumber, stirs your contentment

For the things you can obtain but is forbidden

Wisdom requires discipline and willpower

Tough birds are only good for soup

My Daddy - The Champ

I had spent 2 solid long weeks with my dad last week. I am glad that I did it. We had good chats in the car, talking about cars, about us, about the family and the good old days. Topics that we used to talked about when he was driving long distance and I would stay awake to keep him company while the rest were asleep. This time around I was driving him.

When I was growing up, I always thought of him as the rock, the ultimate decision maker. When he said no, nobody in the family can dispute that. He rarely lost his cool. We were always his priorities and maybe still are. I remember him as the father who made sure that no mosquitoes will bite us when we were asleep. He didn't read to us or tuck us in before we go to sleep like western father does, but alas he would made sure that we had our blanket on and mosquito coil was lighted to ward off mosquitoes.

He was a teacher, a great one too because his ex-students would came up to him and gave him a hug or introduced themselves, shake his hands and would tell him what they have became. His salary was RM1,200 when he retired in 1980's. There were 7 of us but we have never felt that we didn't have enough money. There were really good food on the table everyday, we had crabs and lobsters by the buckets. Life with my dad was really, really good. I had a great childhood with him.

This September, my dad will be 75 years old. He was no longer the rock. He has Parkinson. A mild one. He has lost many of his good friends. He is no longer the jovial person I used to know. I have to help him make decisions for him and the family. I have to take him to see the doctors. It is my turn now to take care of him. I pray, that I could take care of him just the way he took care of me.

When we were away in Malaysia for 2 weeks, my daughter wrote a poem and a letter to her dad:

My Dad the Champ

My dad spreads love everywhere

My dad is strong, he can lift both of us

He is not afraid of anything

He is always here for me

But most of all, he loves me

He works hard for money

Money becomes things

Things becomes feelings

Feelings become love

I miss you so much when we are in Malaysia. I hope next time we go to Malaysia, you could come too. We had so much fun and there are lots of fun things and parks there. I want to show you right here, right now. We might come home earlier. I hope you love the poem and mostly ME.

I hope that she would have the same relationship with her dad as I have with my dad.

Painting by Johanna Bohoy. See her works at http://www.dailypainters.com/paintings/42901/Father-Daughter-Walk/Johanna-Bohoy

Supernovae

We had a quiet birthday party yesterday for the two monkeys. One turned 5 and the other turned 8. I can still remember my childhood when I was 8. I also remember my childhood memories when I was 5 going to the shop in my undies only. Nothing else on and the weather was hot and humid. I was told to put on more clothes if I want to go to the shop when I turned 8.

Today, school holiday starts and it will resume in mid August. What do I do with two monkeys for that long? This is the first time that I will be staying at home while they have their school holidays. Who came up with this idea of a 2 months school holidays? I know its a beautiful summer in Canada but what do I do in this humid, hot 40 degree C country?

I (not "we" , yes have ditched democracy), have decided that these are what we will be doing (with some consultation, of course for Chairman's approval):

15th June - 28th June: Malaysia between Pagoh, Melaka and Kuala Lumpur

29th June - 8th July: Singapore and entertain a friend who is coming from Japan and attend our 1st Chinese wedding at the Raffles

9th July - 13th July: Kuching, Rainforest Music Festival and a friend 40th birthday

14th July - 25th July: Perth, Australia

26th July - 30th July: Kuala Lumpur

1st Aug - 8th Aug: Mantaray Bungalow, Kuala Terengganu

9th Aug - 16th Aug: Singapore museums and Bintan

Can anyone (including moi) complaint that they are bored to death? Unfortunately, P can only join in some of the activities as someone has to make the money for someone to spend. We are doing it only to boost the global economy. The world needs us.

The photo is an image of a "supernova".

A supernova (pl. supernovae) is a stellar explosion. Supernovae are extremely luminous and cause a burst of radiation that often briefly outshines an entire galaxy, before fading from view over several weeks or months. During this short interval, a supernova can radiate as much energy as the Sun could emit over its life span.

THE LEAFBALL OF TREECKO – JOURNEY TO THE POKEPLANET

One day James said “ I’m bored, I want to go somewhere exciting, somewhere off this planet. I want to go to the moon. Centipede, can you go with me to the moon? ” “Sure kid, except I don’t know how to ride a rocket ship and I don’t even have one ” said Centipede.

“Don’t worry, we can get a ticket to ride on a rocket ship at the space shop ” said James. “But how are we going to get to the space shop?” said Centipede. “By cab” said James and Centipede cried “Oohhh”.

Later…

”Hooray, we are at the space station” cried James. Centipede asked Mr. Moon “Can we get a rocket ship to the moon?” “Sure, just take number 11” said Mr. Moon. “Come on, Centipede and bye Mr. Moon” said James. “Bye James and have a nice time” said Mr. Moon. “Sure thing” said James and they blasted off to space.

Later…

Soon they got hungry and they ate a sandwich and a soda. James didn’t drink the soda. He put it on his jetpack controls. Soon they got sleepy. They lied down and started snoring. Just then the soda fell. “Oh no, the soda fell on the controls, we are going to crash on that planet. According to the guidebook, it says that we are on Pokeplanet” said James.

They crashed. James and Centipede walked on and on until they reached a jungle. They saw this creature. It was like goo. It said, “ Hi, my name is Ditto. I am a pokemon and I can turn into anything you want. I want to go for an adventure with you guys”. “Sure, you can come with us” said James. “Hooray, I finally have an owner” said Ditto.

Suddenly an Indian popped out of nowhere. “Please help us, Treecko’s leafball is lost. The legend says once Treecko has lost his leafball, he will destroy everything in its path. So, please help” said the Indian. “Don’t worry, will help you, right James?” said Centipede. “OK” said James.

So off the four of them went searching for the Treecko’s leafball. They saw this pyramid, the shape of Treecko” “Look, let us search in here” said Ditto. When they went in, they past boulders, pit traps. Ditto had to battled with all kinds of weird creatures that James has never seen on earth.

“Look, that must be the leafball. Let’s get it” said Centipede. But then a Machamp popped out and said “I’m using Treecko to destroy the whole planet”. Ditto turned into an electric type Pokemon. Ditto nearly lost all his health but the final hit killed the Machamp. James returned the leafball to Treecko. That planet lived happily.

The End.

Original work of my 8-in-3-weeks SGT. Charaters are from James and the Giant Peach and the Pokemon world. She has always been a good storyteller since she knew how to write. She has been awarded "The Greatest Storyteller and Story Animator" for Grade 2 at school yesterday. This is one of her many stories that she has written. I love the suspense!!

I am more than I appear to be, all the world's strength and power rests in me

We walked for nearly 9 km last Sunday. I can't believe that those little pair of legs could withstand the distance. I can't believe that we were in Singapore either. We were lost in time and distance. It was longer and further than we intended but alas, it was a very good walk and glad that we did it. 

It was a good quiet time for reflection for me. Just what I needed after a busy week. What are my priorities? What do I want in life? What do I consider a fulfilling life? How do I get there? Does it matter if it hurts people I love in order to get there? 

Life is a journey. God never intends to let you go on the journey alone. He sent angels to be with you. Is it possible that too many angels only make you confused? God give me strength to complete this lifes' journey.

Surge of Love

It comes unexpectedly and rarely. It is hard to express the feeling in words but my chest gets all warm and fuzzy. My toes get all tingly. It lasts only for a few fleeting seconds. But it brings immense joy, contentment and peace that could last for hours. Almost spiritual. It happens when I look at someone I deeply love. Then it comes. The surge of love. I wouldn't swap that feeling for anything.

Enlightened Living

She is neither a Mother Theresa nor is she Lady Diana nor is she Angelina Jolie. She is like you and me. She is Geraldine Cox. I heard her speak. I read her words. I felt her emotions. I am truly inspired by her generous spirit. Maybe one day in future. For now, I will help her. On with my quest for inner peace and enlightened living. 

You can visit her website at http://www.geraldinecox.org/ and her orphanage in Cambodia at http://www.scv.org.au/.

Sand, Sea, Surf and Snorkel

We snorkeled at Redang Island Marine Park for nearly 2 hours. It was the first time for the kids but they were really good. I was particularly impressed with J who only learnt to swim 2 months ago. He was very confident swimming with his mask and snorkel without a life jacket. S was definitely in her element, diving and touching the corals. They absolutely loved it. I love watching them loving it.

They surfed at the beach every single day. The waves were fantastic, big enough but gentle. They caught lots of waves. We had some great shots of J on his bodyboard. S was just happy body surfing. They are naturally water babies. Definitely, not from my side of the family.

I felt contented to watch the kids enjoying outdoors, my husband out-of-work mode, myself catching up with G for the time we lost. I also had the best Nasi Goreng ever, its called "Nasi Goreng Merang". I would recommend that to anyone who visit Merang, Terengganu.

We had so much fun. We came back feeling so refreshed, rejuvenated and relaxed. We will do that again before the monsoon comes. Definitely.

Off to the East Coast

We are heading off to the beach house in Terengganu. Hopefully the weather will be good for us to hop on to Redang Island. We have not been back to the house for a long time and all of us are so excited. We will have G&T and little cutie D with us. We definitely will have lots of fun.

Time to pack up all the gear. This time, it will be different as we are not flying from Australia. We will be driving from Singapore. I am sure there will be plenty of things to bring with us and the car boot will be filled to the brim. It will be a 9 hour drive north. With some stop-over for the kids and adults, it will be a good opportunity to see the east coast of Malaysia. I have dreamed for so long to do Cuti-Cuti Malaysia and now we are close to home, it is all possible.

Here we go "Cuti-Cuti Malaysia".

A Love Letter From My Daughter

Dear Mummy and Daddy-who-always-at-work,

Why is there so many work for me to do? Why is the weekend so short. Why are we always busy doing things? There is not much time left for me to do what I want to do. There are so many jobs. Going to school, sticker chart, piano lesson, making my bed, cleaning up my room, eat my dinner, eat my vegetables and swimming with my brother.

You always ask us to get ready quickly when we are going out but you are always the last one to get ready. I am tired. I don't want to do anything. All I want to do is arts and crafts, play with my DS and watch TV and stay at home.

At school, is it is hard for me. The girls are bossy. They scream in my ears. There are too many people wanting to talk to me, all at the same time. I miss my friends in Australia. I have lots of friends there. I only want to play with my imaginary friend. His name is Freeze. He came from the clouds with other puffles. He makes me happy.

My brother is annoying too. He always get all the attention. He always get what he wanted. I don't like playing with him. He always want to play by his rules. He makes this cute faces when he wants something. His face is ugly when he is naughty with me.

I love you Mummy and Daddy-who-always-at-work.

She is turning eight. I am enjoying this age immensely. I know this too shall pass before my eyes quicker than I wanted. I am giving her what she wanted. More time to herself. To do nothing. Without her brother. I truly can understand that.

Painting by Julia Trops - "The Letter"